Today was just one of those days. All the kids were unsettled, especially Colton, the 9-week-old baby. We had just got home from Rockhampton the day before, where we spent a week with my mother-in-law and met Marshall there. It saved him from driving five hours home, only to turn around and drive back with the kids and me. It always takes a couple of days for the kids to settle back in after a trip, especially Colton. Being the baby, he’s all gassy from sitting in the car for so long and just wanted cuddles and to be held all day.
I was feeding Colton on the couch for what felt like the hundredth time that day, finally thinking everything had calmed down. After a full-on morning, unpacking, cleaning and calming a fussy baby, I heard Hunter, my nearly two-year-old, in the kitchen. I assumed the noise was just him playing with a leaky water bottle or something – no big deal, right? Cotlon was finally feeding well, and I didn’t want to disturb that.
But then, when Colton was between feeds, I went to check on Hunter. I walked into the kitchen to find him sitting on the floor, with the butter container open, and butter everywhere. I mean, everywhere – smeared on his arm, his legs, and all over the floor. I think I felt what most of us would feel in that moment : frustration and anger. It was just too much.
I couldn’t help but laugh later when I told Marshall the story., But when I first saw that butter disaster, I just wanted to scream. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and all I wanted-no, needed – was ten minutes to myself. But there was no Marshall to hand Colton over to, no one to share the load. I had to deal with Hunter, clean up the mess, all while listening to Colton cry because I had to put him down. By the time the mess was cleaned up, I ended up going into my bedroom to scream into my pillow.
Some days are just like that. You try to hold it together, but the weight of solo parenting can be suffocating. It’s not easy, and on days like this, you hit your limit. All I wanted was for Marshall to be home, even for just ten minutes of help. But with him six hours away, that wasn’t possible. The silence of being along was deafening.
This is the reality of my life. : One week of solo parenting, one week with help. Most days are good, some days are bad, and then, like today, there are the really bad ones. In those moments when you feel like you might just throw the towel in, I’ve learned that no matter how tough it gets, you just have to keep going. You don’t have anyone to lean on, and that means you have to find a way to push through, no matter how overwhelming it feels. You keep going because there’s no other choice. You have to, because those kids are relying on you, and you alone. It’s not their fault; they’re just kids. It’s hard, no question. But you keep pushing forward because you have to and somehow, you always find a way to get through it.